


why am i still standing here (right next to you)

by xelmxy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: #HaikyuuAngstWeek2020, Almost Suicide Attempt, Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt, Iwauzumi Hajime is an asshole, Longing, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Peer Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, poor oikawa, sorry lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:09:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27333955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xelmxy/pseuds/xelmxy
Summary: "Riddle me fucking this Iwa.""When did it all change?"
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	why am i still standing here (right next to you)

**Author's Note:**

> TW : ( almost ) suicide attempt , peer abuse , panic attacks , unhealthy eating habits 
> 
> I have to admit, i am not that proud of this work, it's very splotchy and all over the place. This is not my best work, but i wanted to get it done as fast as possible so i could have time to work on the others. (there also might be spelling mistakes i am dearly sorry)

#HaikyuuAngstWeek2020

Day 1 - All Tiers

"Riddle me fucking this Iwa."

**"When did it all change?"**

-

-

-

-

-

Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime were sitting on the park swings after a tiring, long practice. It was the start of their 3rd year, and Oikawa had just gotten back from an injury. This injury (to Iwaizumi's dismay) was from overworking himself too much the school year before. He ended up collapsing on their school gym in pain from his knee. If Iwaizumi hadn't forgotten his phone, and hadn't come back to retrieve it, Oikawa would have probably been laying there all night.

-

_Oikawa dearly wished he could go back to these times. They were simple. All jokes and laughter. But he knew he couldn't. He wanted to pin-point exactly where these times had changed, but couldn't, nor felt obligated to go back._

-

"Iwa-chan?" Oikawa chirped

"What 'Kawa?"

"Lets go get something to eat!"

Iwaizumi stared at Oikawa with a blank look.

"I- why?"

"I don't know? I'm bored? Plus it'll be fun!"

"Whatever Shittykawa."

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and got up from the swing, turning around to see Oikawa making a pouty face while getting up after Iwaizumi. They exchanged a small laugh, and Oikawa lead the way to a bakery down the road.

When they arrived they walked in the a comforting warm feeling, and the nice smell of fresh pastries. Oikawa (like a child) ran up to the glass and looked at all the beautifully made pastries, and pointed every single one of them out to Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi, got quickly tired of this, and flicked Oikawa in the back of the head.

"Th- IWA?" Oikawa sputtered out.

"Shh- be quiet "Kawa. We're in public"

Oikawa once again put his pouty face on but Iwaizumi just ignored it and looked at the glass to browse what options he had.

They chose their pick, and went and found a small table near the door. They sat down and chatted idly, about school, practice, and other random things neither can recall anymore

They were sitting there for (probably) around 30 minutes, and neither were talking now. By this time, they had gotten a second pastry, and were finishing them off, Well- Iwaizumi was. Oikawa was making circles with his finger around the figure of the cupcake, seeming to be deep in thought.

Iwaizumi realized this and piped up.

"Oi, "Kawa, why aren't you eating? You okay?"

Oikawa snapped out of his little daze and gave a crooked smile.

"Oh- It's nothing Iwa-chan!" He said and gave a giggle; though to Iwaizumi, it felt a bit forced.

Oikawa picked up the cupcake, and took a bite out of it, smiling for real this time.

Iwaizumi was still eyeing him, Oikawa felt as if someone was trying to pierce his soul.

Iwaizumi sighed, and looked down at his phone, he had a few notifications, but didn't wanna bother even unlocking it. Oikawa was finishing off his cupcake, and had crumbs, literally all over his face.

Iwaizumi picked up a napkin, and wiped all the crumbs off, while mumbling something about "You're so messy, get yourself together 'Kawa."

Oikawa felt everything stop. He had not been expecting such a thing to happen, and hid his face as it turned red as a beetroot; or thought was- Iwaizumi didn't seem to notice though.

After a few minutes, Oikawa still had his head down, and mumbled something.

"Ilnphbyomph"

"Oi? Speak up Oikawa."

Oikawa turned his head up, and looked straight into Iwazumi's eyes.

Iwaizumi felt a cold chill run down his spine.

"Hajime, I love you."

Though these words were whispered, it felt like a yell to Iwaizumi.

"I-" Iwaizumi cut himself off, he didn't know how to respond.

Oikawa was still staring at him. He saw Iwaizumi's eyes. He couldn't read them in this moment, though Oikawa could tell it wasn't going to be good.

Just then, Oikawa's phone rang. He tore his stare away from Iwaizumi, and looked at the caller ID. His serious face, now had turned into a blank one, he tapped the answer button and put his phone up to his ear. Iwaizumi didn't know what to do but just stare at Oikawa, he was truly, speechless.

Oikawa was staring down at the table, face still blank as can be. He finally responded to the person on the call.

"Okay. Fine." Was all he said.

Oikawa stood up fast, and looked at Iwaizumi before letting out a small smile. And again, to Iwaizumi, it looked to be forced. Oikawa knew that Iwaizumi didn't feel the same, and the both thought that was okay, since long conversations and most likely some fights, would have been spared.

-

It was a normal Thursday, except the fact that Hajime Iwaizumi had just been confessed to by his friend of years, how many? He didn't know, nor did it matter.

He was walking to school, deep in thought, though he had a feeling, that he... forgot something. He shook it off, going back to his main problem, not knowing what he was going to do when he saw Oikawa. He figured out quickly though, that he didn't have much time to think, as he heard a painfully familiar voice.

"IWA-CHAN!"

Iwaizumi's face scrunched up, and he stopped, but didn't turn around yet.

"IWA?! Did you just forget about me or something?"

Ah, so that's what the feeling of forgetting something was.

"Knew I was forgetting something." Is what Iwaizumi finally decided on replying to his friend(?). What would he be considered now? The person that had a crush on him? His unrequited lover-? No, not that one, that sounded like Iwaizumi liked Oikawa.

"You're so stupid, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa with that blank stare again, causing Oikawa chills.

They both looked back forward again, and trudged on. The sky a mix of orange and blue, showing that the sun was almost fully risen.

Iwaizumi gave a side look over to Oikawa, who was smiling, and talking about something random. Iwaizumi couldn't focus, no matter how hard he tried.

-

After school, and after practice, they walked home together, though this time in silence. It was strangely comforting, though neither knew how that was possible right now

.

They parted ways after they reached Iwaizumi's house. They waved to each other, while a cool soft breeze ran through their hair.

Oikawa kept walking, he knew he had to forget about thee feelings, though he didn't know how. He wanted to go back in time and never say anything, never confess, never even ask to go to get something to eat the day before. But, he knew he couldn't go back, what was done, was done, and Oikawa Tooru was just going to have to face that truth. He didn't really have a choice.

-

After that things went back to normal, though only one side could say that. Iwaizumi, thought everything went back to normal, Oikawa didn't. There was a pretty drastic change.

Everything was fine for a few weeks, even a month after the confession, but after that everything really couldn't be seen as "normal" for Oikawa anymore. Iwaizumi was pushing Oikawa away, and... was just being (more) plain out rude to him. God it really did hurt Oikawa, though he couldn't mention it, no... he didn't want to be more selfish than he already had been. He had put Iwaizumi under this pressure, it couldn't have been any easier for him too, right?

Oikawa kept getting more hurt every day, these words and comments piecing through him. He would give up everything just to go back

Morning walks to school together were silent, usually Iwaizumi would have headphones on so he wouldn't be bothered. And practices were filled with nothing but silence from the both of them.

And on the nights, the bad ones, when Oikawa was in his head too much, these remarks would bother him, they would hurt.

Remarks such as, if he... got hungry and wanted something from the vending machine before practice. Iwaizumi would go-

"You don't need to get any fatter c'mon lets go."

Or if he was staying after practice to work on serves, or something like that (which was now prohibited by his coach because of the incident.) and Iwaizumi would say

"Lets go Shittykawa, you can't hurt yourself again, the team actually needs your piece of shit self."

And sometimes there were remarks on his looks, and remarks on his grades, and remarks on just everything Iwaizumi could find to ridicule him about.

All of these things would just worsen everything. He started eating less and less everyday, he started slacking off in practice, he started looking horrible (probably from the lack of sleep he got to keep his grades maintained, though, they still started slipping as well).

He almost did something one night that he regretted even thinking about, but as the days went on, it sounded better and better. He didn't really have friends, or, close(?) ones, other than Iwaizumi, and there wasn't many more people he wanted to get closer too. He was so lost, he didn't know what to do. All he wanted was to disappear into thin air, everyone would just forget about him, and it would be okay.

Yeah, okay. Oikawa would be okay if he just disappeared right? I mean, he, himself didn't care, and he was highly convinced no one else did either, he could simply, leave, and no one would bat an eye.

-

He looked at the clock, it was almost 11pm. He didn't give a single shit, though. He got up, and grabbed light jacket (that breeze at night could be chilling sometimes) and grabbed his phone from the side table

He snuck out of the house, and went down to the bridge, it was a highway bridge and it rested over a big lake. He sat on the side of it, breathing in the air, jut as a gust of wind hit. It stung his lungs, but it was a nice feeling. All he could hear were the loud cars driving bye, and the gusts of wind. He looked down, he was very afraid, but it'll be all okay after this, right?

-

He couldn't bring himself to jump. He didn't know why, but for once, that voice inside his head was screaming at him to stay. He fought against it and got close to jumping, though his body wouldn't let him, no matter how hard he tried.

He found himself back in his room at merely 1am, staring up at the ceiling. He didn't want to continue to think about all of this, not now, so he went to sleep.

-

He woke up the next morning like usual, walked to school with Iwaizumi like normal, and went to school and practice like normal, when he tried to think about the night before, he would just shake, so he tried not to think about it.

He ended up breaking down in the club room. And of course, Hanamaki just HAD to walk in on him crying, not a real big boost to Oikawa's ego. Of course he had to come back, of course he forgot his jacket.

"Oikawa?..."

Oikawa didn't answer, he jut sat and cried into his knees on the ground of the (most likely dirty) club room floor.

Hanamaki just stood there for a second, not knowing quite how to deal with his crying captain. But he knelt down and asked Oikawa what was wrong.

"Everything." Oikawa replied through tears. He really didn't want to talk to anyone about anything right now. But it didn't seem like Hanamaki was going to move.

"Uhm... Elaborate?"

Oikawa sighed, he contemplated telling his friend about it. He ended up leaving them in silence, saying nothing. He was too tired.

"I'm not going to force you to say anything, but it really looks like you should I mean, Oikawa... you're crying on the clubroom floor..."

Oikawa knew Hanamaki was right, he really did need to talk to someone, so he opened his mouth. At firs nothing came out but more cries, but now Hanamaki was sitting next to him, signifying he wasn't going to move until Oikawa found something to say.

Though to Oikawa's distress, he spilled everything. Every, single, thing.

Hanamaki was not in the slightest bit happy about how Iwaizumi was treating him, though Oikawa made him promise he wouldn't do anything.

"God fucking damnit Oikawa, why didn't you tell us sooner-I- when was the last time you ate, correctly? Can I tell Mattsun? I swear, I hate him so much- Please don't try to jump off a bridge again what the hell-"

"Makki, calm down please."

Hanamaki immediately shut his mouth, and looked straight ahead. Oikawa caught a glimpse and it look like bullets were piecing through them..

Oikawa felt Hanamaki get up next to him. He looked down up at his friend, who now had a hand out for Oikawa.

He didn't know why but Oikawa felt so much better, he felt a weight being lifted off his chest, he could breathe again... He took Hanamaki's hand and when he was being pulled up, he felt so free. He felt a splotch of happiness, but only for a second. That second felt amazing, he wanted it back, but before he could contemplate anything else, Hanamaki pulled him out if the club room.

He was told to go home, so he did what he was told, but went and stop by the bridge before going home. Without thinking, he flipped it off, then git embarrassed by his actions. He bolted home, and for the first time in a while, he smiled and laughed.

Unfortunately, the laughs and smiles wouldn't last long

-

Hanamaki finally got Oikawa to start eating normally again, though he went back to his unhealthy eating habits many times. He managed to get through the last year of high school, (despite his wants) but it was only because of help from Hanamaki, and eventually Matsukawa They both wanted to confront Iwaizumi, but Oikawa made them BOTH promise to not do anything.

Oikawa tried to remain friends with Iwaizumi, no matter what Hanamaki or Mattsun said, he wouldn't give up. He wouldn't give up on his friend so easily, not like this.

But, no matter what Oikawa tried, nothing would work, nothing. Oikawa felt like he was going to snap any second. And, you know, maybe he should. Though he thought that would make things worse and break them apart more than anything.

Oikawa thought on this subject for a while, causing those bad nights to occur again, though not as bad as last time. Why did he ever confess? Oikawa came to the conclusion one night that he was just going to have to suck it up and just get used to his friend acting like this. He would do just about anything for Oikawa.

But that got Oikawa thinking, about what changed, why it changed, and when it changed... "When did it change?" Oikawa aid out-loud to himself.He didn't know exactly. Everything seemed like it was going to be okay after the confession and then it seemed little by little he started pushing Oikawa away.

Oikawa sat up. He didn't know why, but it felt like his body was making him do this. Though he laid back down (since it was 3am in the morning).

-

It was after their last game of their high school career. They had just suffered a loss from Karasuno, and Iwaizumi and Oikawa were walking back from the gym after the third years had a nice practice (with some not so nice tears). The walk home was silent, as always, though Iwaizumi didn't have his headphones to block everything out tonight.

The air was getting colder, and the wind stung their lungs with each inhale and exhale. The moon was visible, except for a few cirrus clouds surrounding the sky.

They were walking peacefully for a little while, and Oikawa was deep in thought, he didn't know if he wanted to do what he was about to do, but he was already committed. He stopped in his tracks. Iwaizumi stopped as well and turned around to face Oikawa.

He was already having second thoughts about this, but before he could stop himself, his mouth was open (though nothing would come out)

"What do ya want, Shittykawa?" Iwaizumi asked, with a tone in his voice Oikawa just hated now.

Oikawa said nothing.

"Did you hear me? I said what the fuck do yo-"

"Why?" Oikawa cut him off.

"Why what, dumbass?"

"Why are you still... here?"

"Here? We're friends? We have always walked home together."

"You aren't standing- walking here next to me, because you like me, hell, I doubt you even wanna be friends with me- But- You-... YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU YET YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. IT... IT SOUNDED LIKE A JOKE ALL AT FIRST BUT NOW- NOW IT JUST FEELS LIKE YOU HATE ME?"

Iwaizumi couldn't look Oikawa in the eye, his body wouldn't allow him to turn his head up.

Oikawa wanted to burst, he wanted to yell, and cry, and scream. He didn't want to see Iwaizumi with his head , pitying himself, this was all his fault.

Oikawa started up again. "We used to be friends, hell, I was convinced you even liked me back at one point!

At that Iwaizumi turned his head upward. His eyes finally met Oikawa's. They were filled with pain, anger, and... sadness. Iwaizumi wanted to slap himself, beat himself up. He couldn't handle seeing Oikawa like this.

Oikawa walked over to Iwaizumi, and forced his again, turned down face, up to face him. Iwaizumi was forced to stare into those eyes, those eyes he had known since childhood, those (usually) cheerful eyes that would always joke with him, laugh with him, cry with him. But tonight, these eyes weren't crying with him. They were crying because of him. Iwaizumi swore he was in hell that very moment.

"Riddle me FUCKING this Iwa."

"When did it all change?"

Iwaizumi didn't know himself, really.

"Oikawa..."

"Why- why am I still standing here, right next to you, right now?"

...

"It's because I love you, and even though you don't love me back, that doesn't mean I should stop caring for you. I tried and tried to fix our friendship, yet you treated me like shit, and pushed me down, and made remarks about everything I did. That fucking hurt.

Iwaizumi snapped.

He grabbed Oikawa's collar, and pulled him up.

"I WAS DOING IT FOR YOU."

Oikawa was taken aback. Though he wouldn't let his guard down that easily.

"Hurting me? And breaking me down? That was all for me? Eh?" He said, trying to keep his voice calm.

"I- I wanted you to hate me. I wanted you to not have to go through the pain of loving me every single day when I don't love you back. I tried loving you back, but I just can't. I can't Oikawa."

"Fucking PUSHING ME AWAY HURT MORE. ARE YOU STUPID?" Oikawa yelled, finally losing his cool.

"I- I'm-" Iwaizumi stuttered, letting go of Oikawa' shirt.

"You're a fucking dumbass, you know that?" Oikawa spat.

Iwaizumi felt as if he shouldn't make a comeback for this. He deserved it, he really did.

"I've had enough of you, Iwaizumi. Please, never talk to me again." Oikawa said, his voice with the tone of defeat in it.

Iwaizumi couldn't do anything but jut stand there, and watch, as his (ex) best friend walk away, head buried in his scarf.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading! have a wonderful day and please stay safe.


End file.
